I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
