The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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