Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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