now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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