its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize