Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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