i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
