I'm gonna have a badass scar
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
