I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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