she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
