no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
