May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
