I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
