My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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