just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
