i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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