Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
