Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
