my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
