Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I deserve this hangover.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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