I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
