The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
