Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We are all done wearing pants today
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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