I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
