Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
