she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
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knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
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There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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