She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
