i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
