Your dad touched me again.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
