Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just cropdusted the office
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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