how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
not ubering you a puppy
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
