Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
