Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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