Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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