Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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