just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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