I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
