Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
