I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
