Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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