He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
