Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
