I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
