I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
