i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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