i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
