i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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