I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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