I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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