he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
