i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
