the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
