the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
