You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
