I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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