I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
