I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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