I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
