This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
